成為父母後，我沒有預料到的事情 | Things I Didn’t Expect When I Became a Parent
MHACC 雙語部落格 Bilingual Blog
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發佈日期：2021 年 5 月 24 日
作者：Jamie Edelbrock
當我第一次得知自己懷上第一個孩子時，我感到無比喜悅。看到驗孕棒上出現的陽性結果後，和許多第一次當媽媽的人一樣，我開始想像自己將會擁有怎樣的孩子，以及自己會成為什麼樣的父母。在我的想像中，我對未來抱有很高的期待，我們會過著幸福、無憂無慮的生活。
然而，在她出生後不久，我的期待很快就被現實拉回。她確實很可愛，但生活卻完全不是我所想像的樣子。我從未意識到自己會如此酸痛、如此疲憊。我不停地餵奶、不停地換尿布、不停地擔心，精疲力盡，幾乎沒有任何屬於自己的時間，也幾乎從未真正睡過一覺。這一切對我來說都是意料之外的，不過即便如此，我仍然抱持著樂觀的態度，相信情況會慢慢好轉。
在接下來的日子裡，還有更多意想不到的事情，尤其是當她長大、而我也有了其他孩子之後。我從未想過，我那時三歲的孩子，竟然會全身赤裸地偷偷跑出家門，去敲鄰居的門，問她能不能一起玩。我也從未想過，會因為最小的孩子把花生塞進鼻子裡，而跑一趟急診室；更沒想到，還會再跑一趟急診室，替她縫合下巴的傷口。這樣的事情數也數不清。當我一一面對並處理這些狀況時，真正最出乎意料的，卻還在後頭。
一個意想不到的診斷
大約在六歲左右，我其中一個女兒開始出現明顯的行為問題。她在家裡和學校開始出現以前從未有過的行為。我從未想過她會在課堂上製造混亂；從未想過她會突然衝出教室，躲進學校的廁所；也從未想過，我會接到學校打來的電話，告訴我他們找不到我的女兒。我也從未預料到，她會出現憤怒爆發、摔門，甚至對我說出那句令人心碎的「我恨你」。
我嘗試了所有我所知道的方法來改變她的行為——嚴厲的管教、溫和的管教、獎勵制度、行為表、禁足、專注正向行為、給予稱讚——但沒有一樣奏效。我覺得自己作為母親徹底失敗了，內心充滿絕望。我從未想過，自己會感到如此走投無路，完全不知道下一步該怎麼做。經歷了許多黑暗的日子、無數的眼淚、與老師多次的溝通、好幾次前往學校輔導室，以及在公共場合一次又一次情緒失控、令人難堪的場面後，一位朋友建議我們去尋求心理健康專業人員的協助。經過評估後，我的女兒被診斷出患有焦慮症。
作為母親，我感到極大的愧疚。我怎麼會沒有發現，她正在承受這麼嚴重的困擾？這一切是怎麼造成的？是我的教養方式，還是我做錯了什麼？在與治療師多次討論並進行大量閱讀後，我逐漸明白，這並不是我的錯。我只是錯過了一些徵兆，而我真正需要的是對她的狀況有更多的了解與教育。
我從這段經歷中學到的事
我學到，行為問題與焦慮症狀在表現上可能非常相似，而兩者之間往往很難區分。
回顧過去，以下是我在女兒身上錯過的一些警訊：
- 在學校或家中出現行為改變
- 無法安靜坐著
- 容易生氣／情緒爆發
- 容易感到悲傷／想要獨處
- 無法解釋或表達自己的感受
- 睡前特別黏人
- 無法一覺睡到天亮
- 過度擔心
身為一位不完美的母親，至今已經十五年並仍在持續學習中，在養育孩子的過程裡，我經歷了無數考驗與困難。當年那個年輕、第一次當媽媽、為孩子描繪完美人生的我，從未預料到其中許多事情。所幸，回頭看來，其中一些意外如今已能一笑置之，而另一些，則成為了極其重要的人生課題。
對我而言，最重大的意外之一，便是孩子被診斷出焦慮症。我最大的體會，是必須主動向心理健康專業人員尋求協助。一旦這麼做了，我和女兒都得到了持續且必要的支持，幫助我們成功面對並管理她的狀況。那些黑暗的日子逐漸變得明亮，情緒爆發也明顯減少；在接下來的幾年裡，我看著她學會用語言表達自己，並更有效地因應焦慮發作。
我相信，未來仍會有更多意想不到的時刻，但多虧了我們曾求助的專業輔導員與治療師，我們如今已經更有能力去面對它們。
Jamie Edelbrock 與她的高中戀人結婚，育有三名女兒。她曾擔任過多種角色，包括在家自學的母親、幼兒園主任、家庭事工主任、部落客，以及兒童讀物《Tangled Up》的作者。更多她的文章，請見 jamieedelbrock.com。
Date Published：May 24, 2021
Author：Jamie Edelbrock
Article Link：https://www.nami.org/anxiety-disorders-in-children-and-adolescents/things-i-didnt-expect-when-i-became-a-parent/
The moment I found out I was pregnant with my first child, I was elated. After I saw the positive sign on the pregnancy test, like many first-time moms, I envisioned the child I was going to have and the type of parent I was going to be. In my mind, I had high expectations, and we were going to live happily without worries.
However, my expectations were brought down to reality soon after she was born. She was delightful, but life wasn’t what I expected. I didn’t realize how sore and tired I would be. I was always feeding, always changing, always worrying, always drained, never had a second to myself and never slept. All of this came as a surprise to me but, nonetheless, I was optimistic that things would improve.
There were other surprises along the way, especially as she grew and I had other children. I never expected my then 3-year-old to sneak out of the house, totally naked, and knock on my neighbor’s door asking if she could play. I never expected a trip to the emergency room with my youngest because she got a peanut stuck up her nose. I never expected another trip to the emergency room to get stitches in her chin. The list could go on. While I worked through each one of these situations, the most unexpected one was yet to come.
An Unexpected Diagnosis
Around the age of six, one of my daughters started having significant behavior issues. She started acting out at home and at school, doing things she had never done before. I never expected her to make disruptive scenes in class. I never expected her to abruptly run out of the class and hide in the school bathroom or to receive a phone call from the school informing me they could not find my daughter. I never expected angry outbursts, slammed doors and the dreaded “I hate you” to come from her mouth.
I tried every technique I knew to change her behavior — the firm parent, the soft parent, incentives, charts, grounding, focusing on the positive, praising — but nothing worked. I felt like I was failing as a mother and I was desperate. I never expected to feel completely at the end of my rope, not knowing what to do next. After a lot of dark days, tears, many talks with teachers, several trips to the school counselor’s office, and numerous explosive and embarrassing scenes in public, a friend suggested that we see a mental health professional. After evaluations, my daughter was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.
I felt so guilty as her mom. How could I have missed that she was struggling with something so big? What caused this? Was it my parenting or something I did? After talking with our therapist and doing a lot of reading, I realized it was not my fault. I had missed the signs and I just needed to be educated about her condition.
What I Learned from this Experience
I learned that behavior issues and anxiety symptoms can look very similar, and it can be difficult to distinguish between the two.
In retrospect, here are some of the warning signs I missed with my daughter:
- Behavior changes in school at home
- Inability to sit still
- Quick to anger/outbursts
- Quick to sadness/wanting to be alone
- Inability to explain or express feelings
- Clinginess at bedtime
- Inability to sleep through the night
- Excessive worry
Having been an imperfect mom for 15 years and counting, I have been through many trials and tribulations when it comes to raising children. Many of these I certainly never expected when I was a young, first-time mom dreaming of a perfect life for my child. Thankfully, many of these surprises are ones I can laugh at in hindsight, and others served as important learning lessons.
One of the biggest unexpected moments was having my child diagnosed with anxiety. My main takeaway was the need to reach out to a mental health professional for help. Once I did, both my daughter and I received the ongoing help we needed to successfully navigate her condition. The dark days grew lighter, the outbursts diminished and, over the next few years, I watched her learn to verbalize and cope better with anxiety attacks.
I’m sure there will be more unexpected moments ahead, but thanks to the professional counselors and therapists we saw, we are much better equipped to deal with them.
Jamie Edelbrock is married to her high school sweetheart and together they have three daughters. She has worn many hats, some of which include a homeschool mom, preschool director, family ministry director, blogger and author of the children’s book “Tangled Up.” You can read more of her writings on jamieedelbrock.com.
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